Moving Out
by linnell
Summary: Pre-Rent Fic- One by one Mark's world disapears -
1. Sunday

Prologue

I pan the empty loft, letting my camera focus on the bare walls and floors. Unbelievable that a few days ago, these rooms were occupied and vivacious with a family, my family, a group of friends that loved and cared about each other. Now, I sit on a folding chair alone.

Sunday

"Rise and shine!" A loud clanging racket enters my dream and startles me awake.

"What the… Benny?" I barely make out his profile with my tightly shut eyes. "Benny, we're sleeping." I roll over and wrap my arms around Maureen. She lies undisturbed, fast asleep. 

Suddenly the blankets are ripped off of me and I hear cursing from across the room. It was Roger's voice. Without lifting my head or opening my eyes I greet Roger. "Hey stranger, what are you doing home?"

"Trying to fucking sleep." Benny again begins his tirade, banging pots and pans in my ear. "Come on guys, I got breakfast and I want to talk to all of you!" 

"Leave us alone…" 

He must have gotten the point because the room falls silent for a few moments and I fall back asleep. Suddenly an annoyed booming voice carries through the loft, Collins. I hear the two of them in the kitchen and the smell of bacon permeates into my room and I finally relent and join them. 

Walking out in my boxer shorts I rub my fingers through my messy hair and feel my face for the growth, deciding if I need to bother shaving later on. "Ok, Benny, what do you want, and for Heaven's sake, what time is it?"

"It's ten, not that early. And I want to wait until everyone is up, I have important news to tell everyone."

I stumble into the kitchen and grab a piece of bacon from the plate. "This news couldn't wait until a more decent hour?"

"No, I have to be somewhere later, go wake up Roger and Maureen, breakfast is almost ready."

I laugh, there is no way I would or could wake either of them up. Collins volunteers and disappears into my room. I collapse on the couch, not wanting to be verbally abused by either of them so early in the morning. Surprisingly, Roger follows Collins out and Maureen is quick behind. Bounding off the couch I kiss Maureen good-morning, and greet Roger. 

"Hey, long time no see, what brings you home?"

He shrugs, "Eh, April pissed me off last night so I decided to come home."

"Are you going to stick around for awhile? We could hang out today." I start getting a little excited, Roger and I haven't spent any time together lately. His girlfriend, April and I don't get along, and he chooses to spend a lot of time with her.

"Yeah sure, sounds good." He pulls out a cigarette and lights it. We all look at him, he knows we don't want him smoking in the loft. "Fine, fine, I'll be outside." He goes to grab his worn leather jacket, but Benny grabs it from him.   
"No Roger, breakfast is almost done and I want to talk to you." Roger sneaks one last drag and snuffs out the butt on the milk crates that stand in place of a coffee table. He walks back over to the kitchen and sits next to Collins at the counter. I pull Maureen close to me, but she pulls away a little. We haven't been getting along lately, but I pretend everything is fine. 

Benny slides plates filled with eggs and bacon to all of us. Collins is the first to speak up. "Ok, we are all awake and here, what is the big news."

Benny looks seriously at all of us. "I'm getting married." We all look at him blankly, my mind races, did he even have a girlfriend? "I proposed to her last night, and she said yes."

"Who?" Maureen speaks her first syllable of the morning. 

"Allison." We all keep our blank expressions. "Allison Gray."

"The landlord's daughter?" I ask him confused. She had been here one time with her father to pick up the rent. She seemed stuck up and very uncomfortable in our less then modest surroundings. I recall that a roach went scurrying by her and she screamed and carried on racing down the stairs and not stepping inside until Harry, one of the homeless guys in the lot next door started talking to her. She stood in the stairwell counting the minutes until her father came back to rescue her, her Donna Karen dress clashing with the gray concrete walls of our building. 

"You mean Muffy?" Roger coined that name for her after that one visit. 

"Allison." Benny sternly corrects him, "And yes. She and I have been seeing each other for a few months now, and the time seems right. I can't just keep on living with all of you, I need to start my life you know? But don't worry, you're golden. You can all stay in the loft. I talked with her father last night, and I offered to buy the building from him. You all can stay here rent free for as long as you need to."  
"Golden, huh? Sounds too good to be true." Collins always has a way of speaking my thoughts. "I'm sorry Benny, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, and that's great, congratulations. When is the big day?"  
"Well, three weeks, that's why I had to get you all up this morning, we have lots of planning to do. And I'm moving out today."

"Today… damn. That's fast." I hop off the stool and pour myself some orange juice. "Where are you going to live?"

"In another of her father's buildings, still in the East Village. It is newer and better kept than this place. Allison isn't really happy about it, but I need to be close by to the new business."  
"New business?" Roger and I say together.

"Yeah, CyberArts." We nod already knowing about Benny's grand plan for building a cyber studio, we just never thought it would actually happen. "I also bought the lot next door, and that is where we are going to build."

"The lot next door?" Maureen jumps away from the counter. "But what about the homeless that live there?"

"They will be taken care of away, don't worry Maureen, this is a good thing. We will actually be able to make money doing what we love."

"Yeah, but at whose expense?" I ask him, walking over to Maureen and trying to comfort her.

We all sit in silence for a few minutes. Finally Collins chides in, "So three weeks, guess I'll be having to go buy a suit of some sort, huh?" He walks behind Benny and pats him on the shoulder.

"Well, actually, no." We all look at him. "Look guys, I'm sorry, but Allison's family is paying for everything, and it more of a social event for them, and well, I can't have you guys there. You understand, right?"

Roger stands up. "Sure Benny, we understand, you're a sellout, pretty simple." He goes and grabs his guitar, "I'm outta here." Without missing a step he grabs his jacket and heads out the door. 

I get up to follow him, Collins tries to stop me but I shimmy around him and go down the stairs. "Roger, wait up for a sec." I grab his arm which he shakes away from me, "I thought we were going to do something today." 

"I changed my mind ok? I should really find April and see what she is up to." I see the absent look in his eyes. 

"What and get high, right? Roger, come on."

"Just let me be Mark, ok?" He turns around and walks off. 

I think I'm the only one that really knows the extent of Roger's drug use. I have tried talking to the others, but I can't say it out loud. Truth is, I don't want to admit that we're losing him, that I'm losing him. I run up the stairs to the loft can hear Maureen and Benny fighting from the stairwell. I walk in silently and watch them.

Benny is busy packing his things while Maureen is screaming at him about the plight of the homeless and selling out, and Benny is defending himself. Collins interjects only to try and bring peace, but I know he is angry with Benny as well. I just collapse on the hard sofa and stare at the floor. 


	2. Monday

****

Monday

I open my eyes and look over to Roger's side of the room, which is now empty. Collins suggested moving his stuff into his room giving Maureen and me more privacy. I wanted to protest, but I couldn't verbalize to them why. I guess it is because I see Roger so little these days, but how I can I explain that to my girlfriend?

My girlfriend. We hardly ever talk anymore and whenever I come near her, she walks away. She goes out late and comes back when I am already asleep. I don't know what to do, I love her so much. I watch her sleep for a few minutes and move the one strand that his always falling in her face behind her ear. 

I climb out of bed and start the day. Maureen will sleep through the morning, but I have some things I need to do. My script is almost finished and then we can begin working on the film. That always brings Maureen and me closer together, working on my films. She loves being the center of attention and I always make her the star.

I spend the day getting lost in my work and when I finally pack up to go back home, I realize that it is already five o'clock. Shit, Maureen is going to be pissed at me. I walk home, my pace rather quick and rush up the stairs, but the loft is empty. No note, no message, nothing. 

I search the kitchen for something to make for dinner. Benny left us a few choices so I begin boiling water for pasta and find a jar of sauce. I'll make dinner for her, which should appease her. The minutes tick by and she doesn't come home. I finally give in and eat my share of dinner, wrapping up the leftovers for her. 

Sitting around all night my mind wanders to Benny and Allison. Does he really love her? Is this marriage a way for him to get money? Can we possibly stay friends? Benny was actually my first friend of the group, we met in college. Collins and he were already friends and that is how I met Roger. It is Roger that I really clicked with most of all. We understand each other, better than anyone else. We used to, before April came along, spend hours just talking, about nothing really, joking around and messing with each other, but sometimes it grew serious. I know I have shared a part of myself with him no one else has seen, not even Maureen.

Maureen; where is she? I finally have enough of waiting and grab my jacket and head down the stairs. I know a few places she may be. I walk into a few coffeehouses and bars and search around, it is at the fourth one that I find her. She is sitting on another guy's lap, letting him kiss the back of her neck. She doesn't even see me until I am standing right in front of her.

"Marky! Uh, what are you doing here?" She hops off the stool and attempts to give me a hug. I pull away.

"Looking for you, I haven't seen you all day." I don't change my expression vocal or facial. I lean around and take in the guy who she is with. "I see you are hanging out with friends. Fine, I'll let you be." I turn around and walk out of the bar. She follows me outside.

"Mark, I was just having fun, it is no big deal!" 

"Maureen…I can't… I can't deal with this ok? What am I supposed to do, this isn't the first time." I think I am overreacting, but I don't care. "If you love me, you wouldn't keep doing this to me." Suddenly I realize that maybe she doesn't love me. I look up at her.

"Mark, of course I love you! We have been together for so long!"

"But you aren't in love with me, are you?"

Her expression changes, like she is realizing it for the first time herself. "Mark." She looks at me pleadingly. "Don't do this."

I want to be rational, I want to remain in control. But that wouldn't be me. "Don't fucking bother coming home tonight! Or EVER!" I turn around and run away from her. When I get back to the loft, Collins is sitting at the counter reading, but I just go into my room and slam the door shut.

A few minutes later, Collins knocks on my door and asks me if I am ok. He tells me he wants to talk to me. I tell him I am fine and I will talk to him in the morning, that I am too exhausted. I fall into the bed, purposely taking up the whole thing and cry to sleep.


	3. Tuesday

Disclaimer: I always forget to write this! But these characters aren't mine and I would no way ever take credit for them. Completely Jonathan Larson's

****

Tuesday

I force myself to sleep in. I wake up numerous times but fight to fall back to sleep. When my mind wanders to Maureen, I start thinking of other things, anything else. I don't want to wake up and face what happened last night. The regrets of the evening creep up on me and when I can no longer avoid them I allow myself to sit up. Is it really over between us? Is there anyway I can get her back? I mean, she said she loves me, but is it the truth?

I leave the empty room behind and head straightway for the bathroom. 

"Mark?"

Shit, no escape. "Good morning Collins." I take a few more steps closer to the bathroom.

"When you are done, I want to talk to you and Maureen, ok?"

"Yeah, sure." He doesn't even realize Maureen isn't here. I take a quick shower and throw back on the same clothes as yesterday. Who really cares anyway? Finally, I emerge from the bathroom, Collins is exactly where I left him.

"What's up, Collins?" I sit down on the counter in the kitchen. His back is to me but he quickly turns around and comes over.

"Where is Maureen?"

"Oh right, she didn't come home last night. Stayed at a friends." Saying these words, I actually convince myself the innocence of it. She just stayed at a friend's place. No big deal. I didn't see her with another guy, or realize she really doesn't love me. I didn't tell her she wasn't welcome back here. She was just staying over at a friend's place.

"Oh, ok. Well, you will have to fill her in then."

The seriousness of his tone alerts me. "What's going on Collins?"

"Well I have some good news and bad news." I nod telling him to continue. "The good news is I got a job. Teaching. The bad news is that it is at MIT."

"MIT? The one in Boston?"

"Well, Cambridge actually, but yeah. They are going to house me and pay me pretty good." He looks around the loft. "I hate leaving this place. I hate leaving New York."

"Teaching, huh? I didn't know you were interested in that."

"Well being a philosophizing anarchist doesn't really pay the bills you know? I though I would give it a shot."

"That's great, Collins! I mean, I'm going to, uh, we're going to miss you around here, but I'm happy for you." I'm just not happy for myself. "When are you going?"

"Well, they need me to start right away, so I'm leaving today." He sees my face fall. "Mark, I'll be back, don't worry!" 

"No, it's great, I'm happy for you, really." I try to sound convincing but I know he doesn't believe me.

I spent the rest of the day with him. He took me to lunch, and I helped him pack up his things and went with him to Penn Station. We had a really good time and talked a lot about my plans and his. I never mentioned Maureen to him. 

After he got on his train, I decided to walk home. I walked slowly thinking about my friends and that empty loft I was heading back to. It is only Roger and me left, but in essence only me. I avoid going home as long as I can, until exhaustion hits and I know I will fall asleep quickly. I walk into the loft and fall into bed. Maybe tomorrow I can convince Roger to come home for good.


	4. Wednesday

****

Disclaimer: Mark nor his angst belongs to me. Neither does anyone else mentioned in this story.

Wednesday

I wake up quickly. My eyes open wide. I had been dreaming. It seems vaguely fresh but the memories of the details are gone. I have no idea the time, so I climb out of bed and search for a clock. My eyes focus in on a digital alarm clock left behind by Benny. 5:47 – way too early, but now I am quite awake.

I shower, dress, and grab my camera and leave. I ignore the null ache in my body, it must be lack of sleep. The sun is beginning to peak over the buildings and the sky glows around the high-rises of mid-town in the distance. I begin filming letting my camera be my guide. It is only when my battery dies that I begin to think about the past few days. Benny, Collins, Maureen are gone. Roger is essentially gone. Never in my life have been alone. I begin to realize that the feeling I have been carrying all day is loneliness. There is no one for me. No one to share this piece of film with, no one to tell about my day to.

I have to find Roger. Perhaps if he sees the desperation in my eyes he will come home. I sit down on a bench and begin to strategize. I have to get Roger home. I know the best time to approach him is when he first wakes up, when he is, for lack of better terms, clear minded. Also, I have to get him away from April. He will never concede to coming home in front of her. I decide my best bet is to show up and drag him to breakfast. If April is still sleeping and I explain to him that I really need to talk, I'm sure he will be willing to come with me.

I start walking to April's place. Perhaps it is a little early, but I am anxious. I have been there a few times before, back when they first started dating and the animosity had to be established. I didn't like her from the start though. Yes she was beautiful and sexy, but I knew she partied hard and had been for a long time. She was possessive of Roger from the beginning, but he fell for her. 

April's apartment is above a bar, very convenient for her. I don't know how many people actually live there, but I have never seen the same person there twice. I walk past the homeless and junkies are trying to sleep away their memories of last night. I get to her building and begin the ascent up the stairwell, afraid the old boards are going to snap under my feet. The door is slightly open, but I still knock softly. When no one responds I enter the apartment.

The smell hits me first, a foul combination of beer, urine, and throw up. I cough as I try and to control my gag reflex. People are strewn all over. I stumble my way into the small apartment looking at all the nameless, passed out faces for Rogers. I don't see him. Trash is everywhere, beer cans, cigarette packs, needles. Wait, needles? Heroin? I take another look around at the people sleeping in the room. Most are sunken and shallow and reminiscent of the junkies on the street. Is this the kind of people Roger is hanging out with? 

I make it back to the bedroom and sure enough Roger and April are sleeping, wrapped in each other arms. I tap Roger and try to wake him. He hardly stirs. "Roger," I whisper. "Roger, wake up." 

He rolls over and faces me. "Mark? What are you doing here?" 

"I need to talk to you. Will you come to breakfast with me?" He doesn't open his eyes. He just shakes his head.

"Mark, what? I'm sleeping." 

"Roger, come on, I want to talk, but not here." I grab his arm to pull him up and that is when I see them. All over his arm. All over both arms. Track marks. I quickly pull my hand away.

"Mark, shit, I can explain." I shake my head and turn around, he follows me out into the stairwell. "Mark, wait!" He reaches out to stop me.

"No! Leave me alone, Roger!"

"Mark, listen to me, please!" I shake my head, but I stand there. "It is only a few times. I swear."

"You can't sugarcoat this one. You can not explain it away and tell me you are just having fun. It is right here!" I grab one of his arms. "Why?"

At first he doesn't respond. "Because if feels fucking amazing." The answer is not what I want to hear. 

"This is all April's doing, isn't it? She is the one who got you into it."

"Mark, leave April out of this." His voice begins to rise. "She didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do. I can stop anytime." 

"Stop now, and come back to the loft. For good."

"No." He voice is almost regretful. "I can't leave April. She needs me."  
"I don't want to do this Roger. But you need to choose, this life or me. I won't watch you downward spiral anymore." 

"Easy. Decision is made." He turns around and leaves me alone in the stairwell.

A few hours later, I sit on a folding chair in the loft. My camera close to my chest. I pan the empty loft, letting my camera focus in on the bare walls and floors. Unbelievable that a few days ago, these rooms were occupied and vivacious with a family, my family, a group of friends that loved and cared about each other. Now, I sit on a folding chair alone.


	5. Thursday

****

Disclaimer: Mark and Roger do not belong to me and they should probably thank their lucky stars for that! 

Thursday

Make no mistakes; I am not going over there to apologize. I'm going over there to explain. I need to explain to Mark and I know I will have to explain to Maureen and Collins. I can only assume Mark filled them in on what happened yesterday. I have a pretty good idea of what will happen when I walk into the loft. Mark will be sulking with his camera, Maureen will take one look at me, vocalize her disgust and leave the room and Collins, Collins will look at me with pure disappointment in his eyes. I am regretting that look.

I move down the street casually, in no great hurry. I am savoring one of my last cigarettes, because I am broke and I don't know when I'm going to get any more money. The band broke up last month, news I haven't shared with Mark and the others. They would want to know why and I couldn't explain without telling them anything. I didn't want to tell them that I missed practices because I was wasted, or that I showed up to a gig so fucked up I could barely hold my guitar, let alone play it. 

As I turn the corner onto the last block, I slow down my pace. I don't know what I am going to say to them. I just need them, especially Mark, to understand why I'm staying with April. Why I didn't leave with him, because I really wanted to go with him yesterday. I wanted to walk out on April and the whole scene, but I couldn't. I've convinced myself it's because of April. She has had a tough life and I am the only one who really cares for her. And I do. I don't care about many people; I mean really care, like jump in front of a bus to save them care, just Mark, Collins and April. If I left April she would be alone. I know Mark and Collins have each other and Maureen too. But there is another reason I went back inside the apartment. A reason that I cannot admit to or let myself think about, heroin.

The look on Mark's face yesterday has been burned into my mind. When he looked at my arms and the slow relation of what they were, the shock that quickly turned into disgust that quickly turned into despair. Emptiness crept up inside of me and I just knew I would have to explain everything to him. How April's friend brought it over and they were all shooting up and I just hung out and had a few beers. I was a little curious, but the needles terrified me. April loved heroin and started in on me. She really wanted me to try it, and I finally admitted I was just scared of the needles. So she showed me how to snort it and she was right, it was the most amazing feeling I ever had. I felt nothing and everything at the same time. I wrote brilliant song lyrics, I had amazing thoughts and idea and I felt so in love with April, like nothing I had ever felt before. Nothing could bring me down. That is until I crashed. Crashing off of heroin sucks the life out of you, it is actually painful. So I took more, to take that feeling away and to return to the euphoria of that first hit, but that elation came less and the crash harder. I began using the needles, my fear long forgotten for this new terror of being off of it, the shakes, the physical sickness and the fear. That is why I couldn't go with Mark.

I finally reached the loft and taking a deep breath insert my key and enter. I'm surprised to find the loft quiet. Mark is sleeping on the couch, practically sitting up, and his camera by his side. I notice a brown grocery bag next to him, so I look in and find some of my clothes and tapes and other miscellaneous shit I left here. I go into our room to look for anything he missed. Fuck him, if he wants me out, I'm out. I turn on the light and I am taken back by the emptiness of the room. My stuff wouldn't make the room look like this and then it hits me, Maureen. All her clothes, posters, makeup, everything is gone. The only thing left is a pile of Marks dirty clothes and a couple of film reels. I leave the room and go knock on Collins door, when no one answers; I go in and find the room barren. What the hell is going on here?

I go back over to the couch and start shaking Mark. He stirs a little, sees me and sits straight up. He won't look at me. "Mark, what is going on here? Where is Collins and Maureen?"

"They moved out." He still won't look at me.

"Moved out? Where did they go?"

"Collins got a job teaching in Massachusetts, and Maureen and I broke up."

"You broke up? Collins left New York? When? How come you didn't tell me?" Now he looks at me and the look on his face is pure anger. I realize that is why he showed up yesterday to tell me. "Mark, I'm sorry." Shit, I wasn't going to apologize.

"Whatever." He gets off the couch and points to the bag. "There's your shit. If I missed something let me know." Then he stops and faces me and almost pleadingly adds, "Unless you changed your mind and plan on staying."

For a split second I want to scream "Yes, I'll stay," but I don't. I can't. I just shake my head. His face falls, the last glimmer of hope evaporating.

"Yeah, well, good luck." He starts back toward the kitchen and stops. "No, I can't just leave things like that. How could you? How could you even start? Roger, come on!"

"I don't know, Mark, I can't explain it to you. I need to be with April. I am all she has."

"Yeah," He looks defeated, "You are all I have too."

"Mark, come on, you and Maureen will get back together, you always do." He just shakes his head. "Mark, I will be ok, I promise."

"How can you make that promise? You're using hero…" He can't even say it. "You are wasting your life away. When was the last time your band played anyway?"

"We broke up." Sarcastically I add, "Creative differences."

He scoffs. "Yeah, her name is April."

"Leave April out of this, Mark."

"Leave her out of this? She is this! I know you would never… I know she is the one that got you into this. Ever since you met her, you have isolated yourself. She doesn't like me, FINE! She doesn't have to deal with me anymore. Just go, ok? I won't bother anymore. Waste your life, I stopped caring, really I did."

I listen to his rant and his words get through, though I won't let him know it. "Fuck you Mark." I grab the bag of clothes and head out the door. "Have fun all by yourself in this fucking hole." I walk out and start down the stairs. I hear him come after me. 

"Roger, wait." I turn around, just for a second. "I do care, please, Roger, I will help you. We'll find a place that you can go to. I'll be there for you every step."

Would he help me? Could he deal with it? Could I ask him to? 

"Mark, just let me be." 

I walk out of the building and head back to my new home.


End file.
